


It's Just...

by LiaIsInLove



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Anorexia, Anorexic Niall, BPD, Borderline Personality Disorder, EDNOS, Eating Disorder Not Otherwise Specified, Eating Disorders, Gen, Implied/Referenced Self-Harm, Mental Health Issues, Mental Illnesses, Mental Instability, Niall-centric, Self-Harming Niall, Suicidal Thoughts
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-12-01
Updated: 2014-12-01
Packaged: 2018-02-27 19:01:04
Rating: Mature
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,109
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2703026
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/LiaIsInLove
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>It’s not that he can’t eat.  It's just that...</p><p> </p><p>Or the one where Niall explains his eating disorder.</p><p>Trigger Warnings</p>
            </blockquote>





	It's Just...

**Author's Note:**

> Okay. This one is loaded. But I am so incredibly serious when I say DO NOT READ THIS IF YOU MIGHT BE TRIGGERED. I don't care who you are, if reading this might cause you any harm, then I am begging you not to. I know that there are plenty of you who will read this anyways with the purpose of triggering yourself, and for those people, I am begging you not to. It's not worth it, and I can preemptively say that it's just fan fiction, real life is better anyways, you're not missing anything crucial to your life, and I'd much rather you be safe and happy having not read my writing than miserable and in a dangerous place having read it.
> 
> To those of you who do read this, do not fool yourselves into thinking that the issues I am discussing are at all romantic. Do not think that mental illness is merely a plot-line to be used to romanticize the suffering of characters and add drama to a plot. Because it is not. It is not something that you wish upon anyone, real or fictitious, and it is not something that you desire to have for 'attention.' Do not read this purely for the angst, and then go comfortably off thinking that this was a good story line. This is not beautiful, this is not fantasy, and this is not simply a plot-line.
> 
> This is about living with severe mental illness. It is from the point of view of someone who suffers from several mental illnesses, and subsequently may seem like it condones some extremely harmful and dangerous behaviors. This is from a perspective distorted by disease. THIS IN NO WAY WHATSOEVER JUSTIFIES, CONDONES, OR MAKES LIGHT OF ANY DANGEROUS BEHAVIORS OR THOUGHTS. There is one line in particular, referring to someone who is ProAna as "crazy." I feel the need to say once more that this line is from the diegetic perspective, it does not reflect reality. People with anorexia are not"crazy," they are sick. For that matter, so are all people suffering from mental illness. It is so incredibly offensive to call someone crazy or psychotic, or even refer to people as mentally ill. That's reducing someone to only their disease; their disease does not define them. And it is not their fault. Just as you wouldn't refer to someone with Leukemia as "that Leukemic." 
> 
> Eating disorders are some of the most deadly mental illnesses out there. They should not be poked fun of or made light of.
> 
> Alright, more notes at the end. But seriously. Please do not read if you are not in a safe place.

It’s not that he can’t eat.  No, Niall can eat just fine, thank you.  And it’s not that he doesn’t want to eat, well he doesn’t but he still kind of does.  And it’s really not that he thinks it’s healthy to not eat; he knows he needs to eat to function like a normal human being.  It’s not that. It’s just…Well…See, the thing is, Niall can eat when he needs to.  Like when they have a busy day ahead and he knows he needs his energy, he’ll eat breakfast and maybe a small lunch and even dinner if it’s going to be a late night. Or when Harry bakes cookies and expects him to try them.  Or when the boys want to all get dinner together.  Or when he grabs a handful of whatever junk food someone has out to make it seem like he’s always eating without a care in the world.  Or when anyone is watching him, really.  He eats when he needs to.  And he knows that he needs to….Sometimes…(it’s just that those sometimes are way too often for Niall’s liking)

It’s not that.  It’s just that…

Really, he knows it’s stupid, and it’s not healthy, but he can’t help that he feels better when he’s in control. And it’s not like it’s out of hand (yet).  Because he can eat when he needs to and he recognizes that he needs to.  And it’s not like he’s delusional or anything. It’s not like he thinks other people think he’s fat.  Or that he even really thinks he’s fat.  He feels fat, and he looks fat, and he tells himself he’s fat, but he knows those are just his thoughts.  He knows that he’s skinny (underweight), and if anyone saw how he really looked, they’d tell him he was too skinny (even though he feels like a cow).  And it’s not like he thinks anorexia is healthy and other people should do it; he’s not some ProAna disease-stricken crazy or anything like that. He’d never condone ProAna and encourage others to starve themselves (he just wants to do it himself). So it’s not like he’s really sick or anything.  And it’s not that he’s even that unhealthy, or putting himself in danger.  It’s just that…(he wants to)

He’s not even on a strict diet or anything. He doesn’t count calories or weigh himself (because that would be suspicious).  He just isn’t really hungry (he tells himself), and the idea of food when he doesn’t want it makes him a bit queasy sometimes (and he wants to lose weight).  But he doesn’t do all of the things that an “Anorexic” would do (except that he must be doing something right because you can count his ribs, and his spinal chord protrudes from his back like a serrated knife, and his collar bones are like swords, and his elbows look too big for his arms, and his fingers and scars are tinted purple, and there’s a lovely gap (that’s not big enough) between his thighs when he puts his ankles together, and it hurts so incredibly badly to sit on hard surfaces, and sometimes he gets really dizzy and his vision goes black if he moves too fast, and people tell him he’s too skinny (they’re just jealous), and he thinks about food all of the time, and he can’t sleep anymore, and he’s just so tired).  He doesn’t do those things because they would arouse suspicion and that would lead to people butting their big fat noses into his business and telling him what to do and trying to make him stop, or worse, trying to understand.  Plus, it takes way too much effort, and Niall’s just too tired (lazy, he’s a fat-assed lazy pig) to do count calories and exercise constantly (he’s tried it in the past, but it gets scary really fast and he’s too much of a coward to keep it up).  And if he did those things, then he might actually lose control (and he needs to be in control).  Anyways, if someone were to notice (which they would) then they’d have proof that he was actually doing something bad versus if he doesn’t act like an Anorexic then he can always feign innocence (I’m not trying to lose weight or anything, I promise. I didn’t even realize. It must just be the stress) and they have no evidence or reason to make him stop.  So he doesn’t see any problem

It’s not that.

It’s just that…well the truth of it is, it’s just that he can’t escape the thoughts.  And it’s just that he can’t eat normally.  Sure he can have a meal or two, or a few days of ‘normality’ when he’s visiting his mam where he doesn’t want to arouse suspicion so he eats (and he’s too tired (lazy) to bother with the strict diet).  But he can’t ever stop thinking about how much weight he’s gaining, and how he’ll compensate and make up for it later.  He can’t stop reminding himself that he’ll lose the weight again once no-ones watching or once he doesn’t need to be fully alert and functioning at the top (he’s never at the top) of his game.

It’s just that he can’t stop himself from wanting to lose weight, even though he knows that he doesn’t need to. And he can’t stop himself from wanting to be so sick that people know, just by looking at him that he’s sick. He wants their sympathy. He wants people to see him and think, “Oh my god, that boy is a skeleton, he must be so sick.” He wants strangers to be disgusted and appalled by him.  He wants everyone to mourn for him.  He wants Liam to cry over him.  He wants Zayn to pray that he will be okay.  He wants Louis to try to fix him (once he’s fully and irrevocably broken, past the point of no repair). And he wants Harry to hold his hand. He wants to be able to throw it in everyone’s faces: “See I really am sick. You didn’t believe me. You didn’t see it, but it’s real. I was just smarter than you. Better at hiding it. But it’s real. It’s not all in my head. And you were just too selfish to try and save me. See, you don’t really love me, you didn’t even notice, you let me do this to myself, you don’t care.”  He wants all of that, but what Niall wants above all else is to starve himself to death. And that’s the truth of it.

 

**Author's Note:**

> THERE IS NO SHAME IN ASKING FOR HELP. If you or someone you know is suffering -- and I mean suffering -- and struggling with an eating disorder, I urge you to please seek the help that you deserve. I promise, you deserve it. 
> 
>  
> 
> International Resources:  
> http://www.eatingdisorderhope.com/treatment-for-eating-disorders/international
> 
> U.S. Resources:  
> http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/resource-links  
> http://www.anad.org/eating-disorders-get-help/eating-disorders-support-groups/
> 
> Online Resources:  
> http://www.nationaleatingdisorders.org/online-eating-disorder-screening  
> http://www.b-eat.co.uk/get-help/about-eating-disorders/information-sheets/
> 
>  
> 
> I need you all to know that you deserve to be happy and healthy. You deserve to laugh, and love, and smile, and sing at the top of your lungs, and dream, and fall in love with life and with living and with yourself. You deserve to believe in yourself. You deserve to meet other people who recognize and appreciate how amazing and lovely you are. You deserve to want to get better. You deserve to get better. You deserve the whole entire world. You deserve it because you are kind, and intelligent, and important, and lovable, and so so incredibly loved. You deserve it because you are you.
> 
> If you're struggling to remember this, please come talk to me. I'm always here for you, no matter what. You can find me on tumblr at lia-is-in-love.tumblr.com
> 
> I love you all so much and I hope that each and every one of you find the happiness and peace in life that you deserve.
> 
> Lots of love,  
> -Lia

**Works inspired by this one:**

  * [It's Just...](https://archiveofourown.org/works/5219201) by [ToDanceBeneathTheDiamondSky (LiaIsInLove)](https://archiveofourown.org/users/LiaIsInLove/pseuds/ToDanceBeneathTheDiamondSky)




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